we remember past times

those past times

old memories
found loves
and they pain us through and through
because they never fade

those past times
they sear through our hearts
burning it
and we remember what it felt like 
to lose something we loved

time heals nothing
only, it tries to make the memory fade
though never succeeding
leaving sorrow in its wake

i loved you, all of you

there was nothing you could have done
to make it any stronger than what it was
than what it is

the love morphed
it changed, like a caterpillar to a butterfly
it shined and it faded, as most things do
but it always returned to me
always came back to me
without you ever even knowing it

things do not change that easily 
something like love
for some, a matter of time
for others
they keep the love forever

i chose to love you 
to give you a shelf within my heart
i chose to allow you to do 
what you wanted with it
even if it meant tearing my heart apart

And then I met her. Who is nothing like what I have thought, nothing I would’ve imagined could have existed. Exploration, future, companionship, discovery. That’s what she is. A personification of a verb, not even enough to use adjectives. Descriptive, passionate, intense.

she is everything that i could have ever dreamed about
but what about them, i ask myself
because how can she exist in the form that she is
the she-wolf that she impersonates
while i still hold back and dream of you?

You swarm when I think of things not involving you. You come from nowhere, you relish in startling me because I never thought of you like this before. 

you float in front of my eyes
torturing me 
because you know
you aren’t supposed to be there
here
wherever i am

her eyes were hidden from me

her eyes were hidden from me
she had a wall up
something she didn’t want me to see
she kept from me
a life she knew she wanted with me 
but didn’t want me to know

i saw her

everything that she was
i knew she was lying
i knew she wasn’t the person she actually is
she was holding back from me
maybe it was a sense of betrayal
i don’t know what it was
that I felt 
when she did that to me

i can write the script of my life

how i see things are now
how they have been written
write her into it
write her out of it

Though that’s not something I would do. There is too much instilled in this connection with her. She almost know that I write her, I write to her, but do my writings…cause her to act this way? Stranger things have happened, does this count? 

She wrote something to me, something that caused me to fall for her. She wrote the future. I wrote the future. Do we write the future together now? And how do we do this? Are these the vows that I had typed up? All the things that I want to do with her, to her, for her. Are those my vows to her? Do she want this from me? Because I want her to want me to do things for her, with her, to her. I want her want enjoy time enough with me, to inspire me to do things that I’ve never done, because that’s how I feel about her. 

there are no second chances
wiping the slates clean
there aren’t any life of do-overs







And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because it shows that there are things we can work through, that there are no actual miscommunications, only fears and reservations because everything makes sense to two people who don’t make sense individually. 

Sometimes there are the clouds in the sky, not silver linings, because there never is a rainy day that 
cannot be worked through, a thunderstorm that we hide from. I know who she is, she knows who I am, she knows to carry the umbrella because I forgot it, I know to bring her hot chocolate because it makes her happy. 
_