thoughts

Looking at you was like watching the sunrise everything coming alive and living again

I remember the first time I saw you. Do you remember? And I remember thinking who is that

i do not know what it is about you
that pulls me in
and i can not let go
like i forgot to breathe
forgot that i am alive
until i see you again

maybe it is because i am different
like nothing you have ever seen
or that i do not care
who you are
what you do
you are life and you live life
because you only have one

i am broken
and you know that
and maybe it is because
you do not care that i am broken inside
or what is broken inside
that i am damaged goods

you wear your emotions on your sleeve
you are uncontrolled chaos
though you want to be controlled
but when the world can see what you are feeling
you are at a disadvantage
and because of that
not as strong as you could be
will not let yourself be vulnerable
you will not let go
you fear vulnerability

You try too hard to be different. You try too hard to be and prove what you are inside. But you don't know who you are inside. And you do? Tell me who I am. Tell me what I am. If you know so well then tell me. It all comes back to vulnerability. It comes down to letting go and seeing what's in front of you.

You have a cold heart. You keep things from warming your life.

it hurts inside when i think of these things
the words and the music strangle my heart
because i know they to be true
i know that life is true
and that this pain i feel because of you
is real

how can i express it?
it is a negative thought
and makes me angry
and frustrated like i can not control anything
uncontrolled chaos, isn't that what this is?
the very definition of this emotion


You can't be afraid to be polarizing and have different opinions. Fuck all the other noise. Make your stand because you're doing everything you can to make sure that the people around you are safe, are alive, and are thriving, speak up, shout aloud. That's what you want me to do, so then I will shout aloud my love for you. But it isn't love is it? A game perhaps that we play because we can. Because we're so uncertain of everyone and everything even though you have control and I do not.

I remember once a long while back feeling this way through the use of words. Now it's through the use of words. They seduce me. Sedition at its best. I stand confused and at the crossroads that overtake my life. What do I choose? How do I choose? Because you have choices as well but then again your choices are different. Would you ever leave that which you know, what you've only ever know? That dark person that stays secret from everyone, that person that you let loose once in a great while. Is that truly you? Would you ever show that to me?

What would life be like if I had you. What would my life be like if I'd never known you. Do you think about that too?

i can feel it surrounding my heart
it is breaking, shattering
and i will lose yet another piece
because that is what happens
when i go through this pain
my heart is never put back whole again

i am never whole again
the minutes go by and i stare
the days go by and i cry

the years go by and i breathe can again
but i never forgot
to forget this pain means to forget you

every time this happens
i have to make a choice
and find out what is driving me
towards this light that i see

though i do not think it is light
that i see in you
a deep and destructive sense that you are
this darkness

because if it is
then i choose you

you said as much as it is
but i do not know if i believe it
or what is it to believe you
to believe in what you say is truth
is that vulnerability?

You asked me what I wanted. I don't know how to respond to that question. I want someone who loves me who wants to want me who wants likes who I am deep inside..

with all the darkness
and the rage

and broken pieces just laying about
because they can't be fixed
they are all part of my life
the jigsaw puzzle
and some of the pieces are missing
maybe they were taken

how do you live with that
knowing that you can not fix me
how do i live with that
knowing that i cannot be fixed

She took my heart, I think she took my soul.










what is it that i feel right now
uncomfortable
looking at you with a tiny sliver of doubt
for our lives ahead
or any life ahead
that means having to make choices
is this what it means to be vulnerable?
to be alive?
with you?














I hear the music of sadness flow through my heart like lava cuts through the forest. The eruption is quite like what I'm familiar with though that don't make the pain any less.








it is happening again
i can feel the change from within
the new memory bringing the old ones to surface
do you know what that is like?
to be immortalized into someone's heart
not in control of what happens
to the pieces you leave behind
are you ever going to come and get them?
do you want them back?
because i cannot do that as much as i may want to
when i think about the things
you have done to me











you undo me.







And I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know how to feel about any of it.

we remember past times

those past times

old memories
found loves
and they pain us through and through
because they never fade

those past times
they sear through our hearts
burning it
and we remember what it felt like 
to lose something we loved

time heals nothing
only, it tries to make the memory fade
though never succeeding
leaving sorrow in its wake

i loved you, all of you

there was nothing you could have done
to make it any stronger than what it was
than what it is

the love morphed
it changed, like a caterpillar to a butterfly
it shined and it faded, as most things do
but it always returned to me
always came back to me
without you ever even knowing it

things do not change that easily 
something like love
for some, a matter of time
for others
they keep the love forever

i chose to love you 
to give you a shelf within my heart
i chose to allow you to do 
what you wanted with it
even if it meant tearing my heart apart

And then I met her. Who is nothing like what I have thought, nothing I would’ve imagined could have existed. Exploration, future, companionship, discovery. That’s what she is. A personification of a verb, not even enough to use adjectives. Descriptive, passionate, intense.

she is everything that i could have ever dreamed about
but what about them, i ask myself
because how can she exist in the form that she is
the she-wolf that she impersonates
while i still hold back and dream of you?

You swarm when I think of things not involving you. You come from nowhere, you relish in startling me because I never thought of you like this before. 

you float in front of my eyes
torturing me 
because you know
you aren’t supposed to be there
here
wherever i am

her eyes were hidden from me

her eyes were hidden from me
she had a wall up
something she didn’t want me to see
she kept from me
a life she knew she wanted with me 
but didn’t want me to know

i saw her

everything that she was
i knew she was lying
i knew she wasn’t the person she actually is
she was holding back from me
maybe it was a sense of betrayal
i don’t know what it was
that I felt 
when she did that to me

i can write the script of my life

how i see things are now
how they have been written
write her into it
write her out of it

Though that’s not something I would do. There is too much instilled in this connection with her. She almost know that I write her, I write to her, but do my writings…cause her to act this way? Stranger things have happened, does this count? 

She wrote something to me, something that caused me to fall for her. She wrote the future. I wrote the future. Do we write the future together now? And how do we do this? Are these the vows that I had typed up? All the things that I want to do with her, to her, for her. Are those my vows to her? Do she want this from me? Because I want her to want me to do things for her, with her, to her. I want her want enjoy time enough with me, to inspire me to do things that I’ve never done, because that’s how I feel about her. 

there are no second chances
wiping the slates clean
there aren’t any life of do-overs







And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because it shows that there are things we can work through, that there are no actual miscommunications, only fears and reservations because everything makes sense to two people who don’t make sense individually. 

Sometimes there are the clouds in the sky, not silver linings, because there never is a rainy day that 
cannot be worked through, a thunderstorm that we hide from. I know who she is, she knows who I am, she knows to carry the umbrella because I forgot it, I know to bring her hot chocolate because it makes her happy. 
_