he would be crushed

He would be crushed. Because she lied. Because she moved faster. Because it’s another reminder of why he’s different, not worth the effort.

But these are dark paths that have no real meaning except the understanding that he is voluntarily causing his own heart break.

Why can’t he be angry at her, he wonders. Why he can’t resent her for the decisions she made, those that were not in anyone’s best interests, he remembers.

She was gone so quickly. Life changed so quickly. And he understands, and knew then that it would be a struggle, the effort. And while he can do it, sometimes he just doesn’t. And sometimes he does. But even now he knows that it wasn’t enough. They needed more, because they were more. He was unique, and so was she. So the solution cannot be, could not be the same, it has to be unique as well.

She is lonely, he can hear it. Depressed and disappointed in the changes she’s made. And yes this violent monster erupts when he thinks about her moving on because she should be moving towards him, back with him. Is this him holding on to her? Because he knows she doesn’t think, feel like this.

But he still wants to know what she thinks about. Is it him? Is it how she ages, her own age? Her mistakes? A fear, that in trying so hard to be risk free of the world, the biggest risk involved no reasoning? She was right in that it was, is difficult. But he thinks it’s more so for her, and in his heart, he knows she needs him to be there, pulling him through it. So it remains an open wound, because they are not near each other enough to close it.

So unless one of them makes a move, it will never be closed.

…